This is a rant. A pure, unadulterated rant. If you're up to reading a rant, keep going, please. If not, better you just leave now.
I'm lonely. There, I said it.
Almost 2 1/2 years into my assignment, there are just certain things that are not resolving themselves, and companionship is one of them. I am not hearing anything. ever. from any of my friends back home. ever. You want to know why I started this blog? Supposedly so THEY could keep up with ME. So it surprises me that none of them even follow me. Out of my own family I have ONE person who follows this blog. I hear more from other need greaters I've met here and random people throughout the world who read this blog than I do from ANY of my friends from home. Then when I go home, they're all like, let's keep in touch. You want to know how many people I've given this blog address to who've never read it? I've actually saved it in their iPhones and they still don't read it? I've sent an invite to their email and they don't accept it?
My Mom says, "People are just busy." You want to know what I say? The same thing I say to my students...we make time for the things we WANT to make time for. You are living in a country where you have:
1. a smartphone with constant 3G and WiFi connections
2. a laptop
3. a tablet
4. a home office
5. a work office
and yet you never talk to me. Maybe you're not talking to anyone? Yep, that's what I thought too until I continually embarrass myself saying that to people just for them to respond, "Weird, because she's on Facebook/Instagram/etc all the time." Hmmm. So apparently, you've just decided that because I don't work on the same platform YOU do i.e. Skype, email, Pinterest it's just IMPOSSIBLE for us to keep in touch.
You know what I think it is? I think it's a subtle way of just saying "we're done." And it hurts. It hurts that people who I thought would be in my corner FOREVER have decided that because we no longer live close to each other, it's over. And it especially hurts because it's not the easiest thing to make good friends. Especially when you're a need greater/missionary. Are we all family/brothers? Yes. Does that mean we're all intimate and you can emotionally rely on everyone? No. Especially when you're trying to make lasting friendships through a language barrier, a cultural barrier, and the fact that everyone knows you may not be here for long so why put the effort into drawing close to you.
So those of you who DO read my blog and always email about your dreams to be a need greater, keep this post in mind. If you're thinking that you'll have the support of friends back home when you move, you may want to double think that. Maybe you have better friends than I do. Or maybe you also will find that it's just you and Jehovah.
Am I seriously the only one with this problem?
Hi Shawn. My sis is a need greater there too & sometimes I notice ppl in the Hall back here don't want to talk about it. I have decided that it is mostly because they feel guilty that they aren't making Jehovah their priority, or jealous because they can't do more. So probably less to do with u & more about their conscious, even if they don't admit it. Hang in there. Jah knows. Your blog helps me feel closer to my sis, who doesn't keep me up to date, so Thank you! Sara Hardy (from North Florida)
ReplyDeleteSarah, thank you for your words of encouragement. I hope your sister is doing well here.
DeleteI will say that was one of my fears when I left my town to serve somewhere else, and unfortunately I felt the same way while I was in the Dominican Republic as a need greater...once you're gone, it's like a lot of people forget about you after the first month or so. I had Instagram and that was the only way a lot of people saw what I was up to, but only very few still kept in touch while I was there. I don't think it's personal at all, I think it's more of the idea "out of sight, out of mind". That's not the way it should be, but we're imperfect and it happens. I, too, have been guilty of this...I'm working on it to let my friends in other countries know that I think of them often, and talk about them to others every chance I get! I wish you the best, and just know that there are others who are dealing with the same problem!
ReplyDeleteLauren
Lauren, I try to keep that in mind...that I'm not alone in my feelings. That's part of the reason I made this post...I wanted to hear how others are getting through it. Suggestions?
DeleteLike Linca mentioned (whose blog I also enjoy reading! :) it's also very encouraging) it is hard to form friendships with the local brothers sometimes with such a big cultural gap and completely different worries and problems. All of the close friends I made were also needgreaters from other countries and the US as well. That's what helped me even when I didn't have much contact with people at home, having my other needgreater friends who knew what it was like. I thank Jehovah for those friends! Without them, it would've been much harder to deal with. And now I'm the one at home busy with "normal life" and having a hard time keeping in touch. So I know both sides and as much as I love them and want to talk to them, time differences and just different daily lives makes it harder than I thought it would be. Good for you for being honest though, a lot of people probably don't realize how much it hurts!
DeleteTotally completely and utterly understand this post. You think you have these really great friends .... and then you never hear from them again. It did surprise me and shock me when this happened. I can relate. You really don't make super close friends in a foreign assignment. It's not that I'm against it, it's just there is a huge culture gap. The language difference is incredibly hard. You just can't express yourself the way you would like in a language that you are learning. Especially when we were first learning, I wanted to say something but by the time I translated it in my head and figured out how to say it the conversation had moved on without me. Even if I did manage to say it it never came out the way I mean it to. Very frustrating. I spent the first year in Guinea very quite. Everyone thought I was incredibly shy and really that's very far from the truth! Yeah, I read all the advice about homesickness and making friends. Everyone tells you that we are a united brotherhood and you should talk about spiritual things. And it's so true, we are united and loved by our new friends and old- but let's face it, we don't talk about spiritual things 100 percent of the time with our friends. Sometimes we talk about our worries, our likes or needs and that is just really hard to do with someone in your assignment who has no idea what you are talking about. You are talking about how the internet wasn't working so you couldn't Skype with your mom or how you miss eating your favorite food or at your favorite restaurant and the other person is wondering how they are going to eat that day. Yeah, it puts things in perspective for you but it also makes you feel very isolated. Then there is the culture gap in the opposite direction. When you talk to friends back home all you have to talk about is your new study or the crazy things you see out in service and they are talking about work and paying the rent. It's hard for them to relate and I think a lot are put off by that. I will say that you really learn who your TRUE friends are. I've even found that some family has forgotten about us. But there are a handful who have stayed in contact and really they are a treasure. Life in first world countries is really go-go, there so much to distract people that it is really easy to lose sight of what is important. That's why so many slowly leave Jehovah and so many forget all about their friends who are doing their best to serve him. The people back home really don't realize how much we need their support. How much just a little e-mail to tell us how they are doing can really lift our spirits. They don't know how just a little text message saying how much they miss us can really make you feel loved. Yeah, I got "friends" who don't read my blog. But oh well, their loss. I know lonely. Know that you are not the only one feeling this very same thing. And know that Jehovah knows your sacrifice. For me being without electricity and water is not that big a deal, but being without my family and friends drives me crazy. Rant away, sometimes it helps just to get it out there. And if there is anyone reading this who has a friend or loved one in foreign service, please take just a minute to send an e-mail, read their blog, send a text or write a letter. You don't know how much it means to them.
ReplyDeleteA Missionary's Life
ilynca.blogspot.com
Linka, YOU were one I was really hoping would comment on this post. I know you've been in your assignment for a while and homesickness really gets to you. I knew you'd have good suggestions. Thank you for expressing how you feel and helping me not feel quite so crazy :) I DO know it's probably just an innocent overlook but in the moment, it feels really personal, you know? Take care! Love from Nicaragua.
DeleteMaybe some pool time would be nice? We're home mondays and thursdays. Feel free to come swim. Please come anytime. Just call to make sure were around. Come tomorrow if u like. Shelina too.
ReplyDeleteAh! Why am I just now seeing this? Maybe next Monday. I'll tell Shelina and we'll text you. Thanks for the offer.
DeleteShawn,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post! You are completely justified in your feelings. Without living in a foreign country, with a foreign language and culture, I think people (friends and family) just find it hard to relate and don't really know what to say. And I agree with the old adage "Out of Sight, Out of Mind". I am terrible at keeping in touch myself, hence why I blog about my experiences. I LOVE your blog...and you know it, I read it faithfully. :)
You are honest about how you are feeling and that is appreciated, you echo the feelings of many "forgotten" need greaters I am sure.
Keep up your hard work and "Jehovah will not forget your work and the love you have shown for him"....and go for a swim and a massage.:)
Andrea
Andrea, YOU always keep in touch. Even in Nepal! Massage: check! Swim: see Rachel's email above; hopefully check!
DeleteHey Shawn!
ReplyDeleteIt's Johnna from Memphis. I've lost your email. Please send it to me. Mine is jsmyth04@gmail.com.
Johnna! Good to hear from you. I'll send it over to you. We may see each other soon. I'll be in Memphis for a week starting 1/22 for Brenda Quick's wedding. I'm going to try to catch a Summer Spanish meeting....hopefully
DeleteI totally agree. This is the hardest thing to deal with. And people all say the same things (O let's keep in touch, O they're too busy)...it's so discouraging. I think Sara who commented above was right, it makes people feel bad about themselves.
ReplyDeleteWe even went so far as to make cards with ALL our contact info on them and pass them out. Did it work? Nope.
That's why I love our blogging community, we can all help each other through the hard times.
You're right. Sometimes I write other bloggers off bc we don't "know" each other, but honestly, they've given me great tips and support during really tough times...like this one. Thanks for validating my feelings. I'm sure when we're all perfect we'll be giggling about these insecure moments between each other.
DeleteWe love you, Shawn. We can totally relate. We found out who are real friends are too... It was a bit surprising.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for our trip together in October!
Cathy and Brett
Thanks Shawn for writing this! A very touching call for friends. I liked it so much that I re-blogged it. Instead of writing a page of comment here, It will be posted on my blog this Friday:
ReplyDeletehttp://shelina-myjourney.blogspot.com/
WOW and I thought it was just regular pioneering that drove the friends away! That was a but negative I know but I've even experienced this in the last couple of months and I agree with Sara and think it partly has to do with guilt and jealousy - everyones busy just depends where your priorities are.I found that a few of my friends (not all) dont know how to relate to me anymore, it's like they have put me in a different box and yes it hurts but this is one of Satan's ploys he uses emotions to get to us not the actual trial, it's how we FEEL about something that makes it 1000% worse than what it is. Anyway rest assured you have a new friend in Perth Australia that loves reading all of the stories And if you EVER make it to Australia please look us up. Take care in the mean time this is my blog site 8-) http://needgreaterwannabe.blogspot.com.au
ReplyDeleteKris
Kris, all these responses have really really helped. Australia! It's always been a dream :)
DeleteHi Shawn! You know this is something that I have never really given much thought to. I have friends who are serving in foreign countries and often I thought to my self "oh they're probably too busy with the ministry to read this email", or "i don't want to bother them because their schedule must be packed". But your thoughts remind me that foreign service can be lonely at times, especially when you can't really communicate your true feelings because of the language barrier. And I hadn't even considered the fact that the local friends may be hesitant about befriending you because they're thinking you might not be there very long anyway. That has to be discouraging at times. But i'm determined to do better about keeping up with my friends and brothers and sisters like you who serve abroad are often in my prayers to Jehovah, that he may sustain you in your assignment. Your example is very encouraging. Btw i thoroughly enjoyed your blog about rinsing out the mops at the convention. It was sooooo hilarious! May Jehovah continue to bless the sacrifices you make :-)
ReplyDeleteSamantha, yes, please talk to your friends wherever they might be serving. They'd love to hear from you. Feel free to subscribe to my blog. I'm sure there will be many future stories of me embarrassing myself at other assemblies and elsewhere :)
DeleteI am so glad I found your blog, It is so encouraging to read about your rants and ravings. I was not aware of all the problems you missionaries experience. You may wonder how can that be encouraging? Well, we think that missionary have such a fun filled life, with all those Bible Studies, and here we are at home trying to find just one. We forget about the challenges you all face. Homesickness be just one. My husband and I retired 16 years ago and moved 850 miles away. The first year we had company each month, I think our spiritual friends thought we had lost our minds and wanted to make sure we were alright. Now we hardly hear from them. I noticed with my fleshly family (sisters and brothers) they expect me to call and keep in touch. It just seems that over time they move on with their life and so do we. I don't think it has anything to do with them loving me less, we are just a busy people. I can't began to imagine how you are feeling, but I hope I can become a far-away friend, and will try to keep in touch. I do have a blog and understand that some people just aren't that interested in blogging. But I enjoy it, and will put you in my blogroll here at my blog.... http://gigiann14.blogspot.com this is my theocratic blog, I just started it and was going to keep it private, but I will open it to the public so you can get access to it. I hope in a very small way I can be an encouragement to you. BTW I am from the USA I live in the state of Iowa. I am a 73 year old sister, we have a small congregation 29 publishers, 8 pioneers, 4 elders, 2 MS. We are just like a small family, but we help make up a part of the large Worldwide Brotherhood. TTYL....
ReplyDeleteGigi Ann, how nice you are able to use your retirement to support a need congregation! The thing is that in Satan's system we're going to have challenges no matter who we are or how we are serving...even missionaries and need greaters. Don't get me wrong! The massive number of studies is great, but we're not in service 24/7 and it's really nice to hear about familiar things from familiar people. I'll check out your blog!
DeleteHi Shawn!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and I have to completely, totally, utterly, 100% agree with this rant. I have been serving in the Dominican Republic for just about the same time as you, 2 1/2 years, and I can relate to your feelings. In my case, though I am fortunate enough to have access to the Internet and Skype regularly, I still have your same problem. Almost none of the "friends" I left back home have bothered to keep in contact. I have a large family, which is mostly all in the truth, and I only hear from two regularly, out of all my friends, only one of them has kept in touch. Even my "best friend", whom I have known since diapers, ceased all contact about 8 months in. I also hear more from the new friends I've hardly known for a couple of months, than the friends and family back home. I completely understand the huge hurt it causes. Half the time it makes me sad and the other half, it just makes me want to hit something. I've had my ranting moments, too.
I mean, on top of all the regular hardships a needgreater/missionary has to face: the new language & culture, living with less commodities as we are used to, just plain homesickness (I've gone as far as to miss road signs in English!), one does not need to have this problem too.
What makes is worse is that it takes so much more time than usual to make friends with the new brothers and sisters. Not that one those not love them, they are part of our spiritual family, but like you said, one cannot rely emotionally and be intimate with everyone. Moving to the Dominican Republic was extremely hard on me, I had A LOT of problems, and I actually still cry when reminded of my first year and half on the island. So, one would love to have a friend to vent to but 1) the old friends aren’t bothering to keep in touch for their own unknown reasons, 2) one doesn’t want to discourage anyone from making the decision to serve where the need is great, and 3) it’s very difficult for the new brothers and sisters to really understand. Most of them have never left their country and all of them are used to what you find hard to adapt to. Besides this, there is the cultural and language gap that makes expressing oneself freely, something I miss SO MUCH in my old friendships, really hard to do with the new friends.
But I guess this could be one of those painful life lessons in knowing who your friends really are. I treasure the ONE friend that has kept in touch this whole time and try not waste valuable time depressing myself over the others. I cannot say enough how much I understand you.
I kinda ranted a bit too, but know that you aren’t the only one and you definitely have a new friend in the Dominican Republic to visit. Always keep in mind that we could be all alone in the world but Jehovah will never leave you and he’s the best friend any one can have. (Psalm 27:10
Sending a bear hug your way,
Kat
drsurvivalguide.wordpress.com
Kat, thanks for understanding. It honestly does help a lot to know that others are going through the same issues and that I'm not alone in my feelings. I hope your experience in DR continues to improve. Besitos.
DeleteHi Shawn,
ReplyDeleteI have come across so many encouraging, inspiring need-greater blogs in the last few weeks. I am so happy to find yours! I am not (yet) a need-greater, but I can understand how you feel without even leaving the country. After giving some areas of social media a break, it was amazing how many people (who do have my number) did not contact me! And after almost two years, its the same way. And yes, it kinda hurt. So I can imagine how you must feel being hundreds of miles away and still little/no contact. I just learned that its better to have a few close friends that you know you can count on, rather than a bunch of those you can't. And life will show you whose who in time. And like Kat said, Jehovah will never leave you, he's the best friend you could ever have and he understands what you're going through better than anybody else.
But, this also motivates me to do better at keeping in touch with my friends who are serving out of country, so thanks for the reminder! May Jehovah continue to bless your self-sacrificing spirit and you and your room mate will be in my prayers!
Sisterly love!!
Cay
Thanks for the encouraging words, Cay. I have to say that when I wrote this post a lot of my friends came out of the woodwork to say hello after a looooooong time. Maybe they just needed to know?
DeleteMaybe so :)
Delete